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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Actually
Think
Thinking

More quotes by George Carlin

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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
George Carlin