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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Actually
Think
Thinking

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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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