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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Actually
Think

More quotes by George Carlin

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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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