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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Actually
Think
Thinking

More quotes by George Carlin

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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
George Carlin
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
George Carlin
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
George Carlin
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Life is tough, then you die.
George Carlin
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
George Carlin
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
George Carlin
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
George Carlin
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
George Carlin
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
George Carlin
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
George Carlin
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
George Carlin
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
George Carlin
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
George Carlin
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
George Carlin
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
George Carlin
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
George Carlin
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
George Carlin
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin