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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Different
Movin
Every
Persistence
Ahead
Straight
Advice
Keep
Place
Find

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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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