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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Every
Persistence
Ahead
Straight
Advice
Keep
Place
Find
Different
Movin

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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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