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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Every
Persistence
Ahead
Straight
Advice
Keep
Place
Find
Different
Movin

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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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