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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Second
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More quotes by George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
George Carlin
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
George Carlin
I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
George Carlin
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
George Carlin
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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Does killing time damage eternity?
George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
George Carlin
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
George Carlin
