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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Books
Hbo
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Appeared
Book
Albums
Nothing
Mines
Mine
Internet
Unless
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Specials

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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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