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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Missing
Went
Persons
Bureau
Comedian

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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Does killing time damage eternity?
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