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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bureau
Comedian
Missing
Went
Persons

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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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