Quote

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Needs
Lawyer
Weird
Determine
Guess
Whether
Funny
Problem
Legal
Need
Humorous

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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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