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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Whether
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Problem
Legal
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Needs
Lawyer
Weird
Determine
Guess

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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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