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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Guess

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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
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