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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Today
Scientists
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Discovered
Announced
Scientist
Slightest
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Apathy
However
Shown
Interest
Cure
More quotes by George Carlin
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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No comment is a comment.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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