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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Vegetarian
Complete
Animals
Died
Animal
Sleep

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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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