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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Couldn
Life
Depended
Suicide
Commit

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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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