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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Depended
Suicide
Commit
Couldn
Life

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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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