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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Depended
Suicide
Commit
Couldn
Life

More quotes by George Carlin

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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
George Carlin
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
George Carlin
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
George Carlin
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
George Carlin
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
George Carlin
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
George Carlin
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
George Carlin
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
George Carlin
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
George Carlin
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
George Carlin