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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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