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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Schmuck
Schmucks
Consumerism
Two
Together
Things
Never

More quotes by George Carlin

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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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