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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Schmuck
Schmucks
Consumerism
Two
Together
Things
Never

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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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