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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Two
Together
Things
Never
Schmuck
Schmucks
Consumerism

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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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