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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Consumerism
Two
Together
Things
Never
Schmuck
Schmucks

More quotes by George Carlin

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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
George Carlin
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
George Carlin
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
George Carlin
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
George Carlin