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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Never
Schmuck
Schmucks
Consumerism
Two
Together
Things

More quotes by George Carlin

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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
George Carlin
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
George Carlin
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
George Carlin
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
George Carlin
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
George Carlin
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
George Carlin
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
George Carlin
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
George Carlin
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
George Carlin
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
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Life is tough, then you die.
George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
George Carlin
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
George Carlin
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
George Carlin