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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Schmuck
Schmucks
Consumerism
Two
Together
Things
Never

More quotes by George Carlin

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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