Quote

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Fine
Hours
Time
Dandy
August
Hour
Asked
Nobody

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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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