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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
August
Hour
Asked
Nobody
Fine
Hours
Time
Dandy
More quotes by George Carlin
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Your home is your refuge.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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