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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Tarzan
Beard
Inspiration
Doesn

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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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