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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Hair
Bald
Funny
Psychics
Men
Driver
Empowerment
License
Drivers
Humor
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Licenses
More quotes by George Carlin
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
George Carlin
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
George Carlin
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
George Carlin
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
George Carlin
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
George Carlin
Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
George Carlin
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
George Carlin
There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
George Carlin
I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
George Carlin
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Does killing time damage eternity?
George Carlin
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
George Carlin
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
George Carlin
