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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Men
Driver
Empowerment
License
Drivers
Humor
Color
Licenses
Hair
Bald
Funny
Psychics
More quotes by George Carlin
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
George Carlin
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin
Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
George Carlin
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
George Carlin
Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
George Carlin
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
George Carlin
I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
George Carlin
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
George Carlin
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
George Carlin
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
George Carlin
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
George Carlin
I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
George Carlin
Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
George Carlin
