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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Without
Pies
Oven
Ovens
Baking
Pie
Grandmother
Picture
Hell

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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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