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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Picture
Hell
Without
Pies
Oven
Ovens
Baking
Pie
Grandmother

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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