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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Number
Records
Numbers
Consecutive
Days
Previous
Alive
Stayed
Every
Beat
Beats
Record
More quotes by George Carlin
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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