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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Alive
Stayed
Every
Beat
Beats
Record
Number
Records
Numbers
Consecutive
Days
Previous

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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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