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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Numbers
Consecutive
Days
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Alive
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Every
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Records
More quotes by George Carlin
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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