Quote

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Would
Planet
Planets
Certainly
Humor
Name
Qualifies
Names
Pluto
Funny
Goofy
Good
Named

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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