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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
People
Whistle
Spit
Clean
Humor
Full
Forget

More quotes by George Carlin

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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
George Carlin
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
George Carlin
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
George Carlin