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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Spit
Clean
Humor
Full
Forget
Funny
People
Whistle
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The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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