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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Clean
Humor
Full
Forget
Funny
People
Whistle
Spit

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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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