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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Cards
Teeth
Avoid
Gold
Play
People

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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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