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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Rest
Fun
Hell
Sarcastic
Funny
Witty
Family
Humorous
Littles
Burning
Little
Soon
Enough
Dead

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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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Hooray for most things!
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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