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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Anywhere
Planet
Planets
Going

More quotes by George Carlin

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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
George Carlin
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
George Carlin
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
George Carlin
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
George Carlin
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
George Carlin
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
George Carlin
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
George Carlin
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
George Carlin