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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Mind
Election
Time
Democratic
Full
Civic
Free
Civics
Keep
Hitler
Next
Bullshit
Give
Elected
Giving
Voting

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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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