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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Live
Enough
Long
Sooner
Cancer
Later
Humor
Everybody
Funny

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The future will soon be a thing of the past.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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You never see a smiling runner.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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