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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
County
Trip
Foreign
Guilt
Regret
Next
Mall
Take
Trips
Country
Malls
More quotes by George Carlin
Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin
I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
George Carlin
