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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Trips
Country
Malls
County
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Foreign
Guilt
Regret
Next
Mall
More quotes by George Carlin
Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
George Carlin
Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
George Carlin
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
George Carlin
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
