Quote

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Stole
Collection
Collections
Hey
Pictures
Away
Ernest
Also
Bandages
Used
Nude

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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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