Quote

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Stole
Collection
Collections
Hey
Pictures
Away
Ernest
Also
Bandages
Used
Nude

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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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Does killing time damage eternity?
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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