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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Pictures
Ernest
Away
Bandages
Also
Nude
Used
Stole
Collection
Collections
Hey

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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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