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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Used
Nude
Stole
Collection
Collections
Hey
Pictures
Away
Ernest
Also
Bandages

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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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