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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Used
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Hey
Pictures
Away
Ernest
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Bandages

More quotes by George Carlin

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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
George Carlin
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
George Carlin
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
George Carlin
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
George Carlin
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
George Carlin
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
George Carlin
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
George Carlin
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
George Carlin
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
George Carlin
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
George Carlin
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
George Carlin
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
George Carlin
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
George Carlin