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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Better
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Shoes
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Religion
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Lift
More quotes by George Carlin
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
George Carlin
