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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Religion
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Lift
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More quotes by George Carlin

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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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The status quo sucks.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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No comment is a comment.
George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
George Carlin