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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Film Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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