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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Film Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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The future will soon be a thing of the past.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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