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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Film Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
George Carlin
