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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Intend
Savior
Accepted
Finally
Personal
Jesus
Money
Men
Borrow

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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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