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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Money
Men
Borrow
Intend
Savior
Accepted
Finally
Personal
Jesus

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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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