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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Fall
Everything
Season
Life
Begins
Seasons
Baseball
Spring
Dying
Football

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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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