Quote

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Littles
Thankfulness
Little
Turkeys
Turkey
Different
Sarcasm
Something
Thanksgiving
Years
Sarcastic
Stuffing
Instead
Swan
Year
Swans

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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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